dead to me

*bear with me, dear readers; for if i don’t get the draft version of this post out > it’ll be the end of me. Seriously: I’m DONE agonising over it.

I’ll further fill it it out with the art references. but so far, simply tell me:

AM i carrying a point across as to ^why all sexuality _ is a negative force?^


My ideological pet peeve is thus:






In the middle of writing this – I came to a nuclear realisation :

chi  = is not hoodoo-woodoo hippie BS. We really must be balanced to be content!

All these overwhelming, needy cravings that we develop ( for erotics; touch; grand unconditional love as solving everything; consumerism) are there…..

because this mental world makes us unbalanced, feeling like shit & therefore craving too much of just 1 puzzle piece, when  feeling good only works when the puzzle pieces fit together!!!!!!

This is where addiction comes from !^^^^^^^^^^^^^Whoa!! slapping myself on head here………………………………!


…..which leads me onto this craving~ because i’m just so impossibly tired of people not seeing thru  why    getting ur jollies   is elevated stupidly high &in a complete undeserved way to serve men’s purpose. I’m puritannically & emphatically over  (what I term) vulvae-gazing; .. going on in ALL fractions of Womens’ LiB.

Sex, without exception, is at the core of all our oppression_down to genetic level. The 2nd Wave became split (by male manipulation )along the false line of Sex = Loyalty=Life Satisfaction. When in reality: female ‘sexuality’ varies only along the spectrum of its’ evolved adaptation to rape <<stemming back to our ape ancestors’ + response to Pavlovian conditioning. Femonade was dead on about this:


“Women need to be liberated FROM sex – not BY it”









Alas: Males handed down the diktat – that it is not to BE.

Notice how there’re no parades for Spinsters? No same-sex platonic marriage? Sex-less sensuality?? No coming-out ceremony for being an anti-natalist-man-hater-hell_bent on female solidarity_ affection_and_ destruction_of nuclear_family (aka Prude)???

#Asexuality only became *grudgingly* accepted about 3 mins ago. There’s all of 1(!) recorded case of female friends as co-parents, – in Britain



I really dig this stance:

But NOT the author’s racial stance^


And here’s a fine piece of body horror:

For i sincerely don’t believe  sexuality  to be a positive force. Ain’t nothing but a bunch of reproductive hormones  holding us hostage – on a male-bred schedule. There is a reason why they used to be called base urges

And they definitely are that – because they operate while we’re fertile , and sometimes spike up in 2nd trimester. For the vast duration of female-kind’s existence we weren’t horny @ all – as we were perpetually knocked up , or breast-feeding. Many of our kind still are. Childbirth destroys whichever nerve endings we ever possess internally & can produce external damage too. In some mothers, libido switches off entirely after reproducing __ as it’s now fulfilled it’s purpose.

Personally : I detest existing a highly sexed being. I get hit by these dreaded hormones twice in my cycle * like clockwork* and inevitably end up doing, reading  & watching things I don’t want to be doing, reading  & watching !

They waste my time; they waste my energy; they waste my $, exec. function, icky factor +nerves I can ill -afford this in my state, but they were still a problem when I was healthier.

I’ve led a life skirting asexuality, so that’s avoided a solid 97.7 % of the harm doled out on our brethren via Sexy Sex, i reckon. But the rest’s been bad enough.

Because all that partnered genital contact – gap’s been filled by :

wondering why on earth i can’t climax like a normal woman (mechanics’re there , explosive pleasure – not so much…))





formerly continuously performing a taboo I won’t confess to on _ on my grave ( it didn’t harm anyone..)

being pushed into limited male contact_ i absolutely hated @ some point

figuring out what the hell am sexually (cause aspies have funny sexualities, apparently _ hetero programmin’ never clicked}


inducing irritation, soreness & minor bleeding ( enough to freak me out]

social embarassment over not fulfilling my role as a prodding hole for males & the modesty trap

& last, but not least,

reading some terrible writing!….L-)

acquiring perverse & useless devices

body OCD & femmy self-punishment over having it + resentment

acute anxiety

longing jealousy for all those lucky sex-getters

lowering of standards

feeling like a male-possession overtakes me during PMS hormonal flood

feeling crappy about the whole shebang chemically + mentally

experiencing hormonal coersion : like i’m dragged by the collar & have to let it out to go back to being ME

male celebrity obsessions  <before I slayed the het dragon


chasing down the Philosopher’s Stone of stimulating, non-misogynistic material

^^^^All this I was ought to do< if i simply wanted to sleep & get on with life!!!!


overall, i derived only 2 positive effects from my sex maniac-hormonal make-up:

1)Release warmed my feet & let out intolerable anxiety produced by illness

2)Fantasy served as a distraction during cancer treatment

^^^^^This is exactly my point. That u must be in a state of intolerable discomfort   to undertake such strange activity (involving bits that pass excrement & are awfully sensitive for frequent fiddling)


In the middle of all this I had a blissfull couple of months, when an anti-depressant made me sexless. Freaking wonderful > I tell ya’…

The 1 time I experienced overwhelming desire> it scared me. It was like being drunk & I  really don’t like that feeling.  It was equal parts [pleasurable thrill + cold sweat thrill]^ It also felt sorta cannibalistic …like i wanted to consume the object. Clearly I’m not the only one ~ as vampirism = sexual metaphor. After all : being in heat isn’t a pleasant experience for female animals (think about pleasure resulting from drives contextually. Meaning: that questionable high only exists to let out the tension of the drive}

The reason it felt so intense < stems from us – females living in a fishbowl of pleasure & passion -deprivation + aforementioned unbalance

We live in a world of males sucking JOy & wonder out of everything _ like Dementors. WE’re also badly Stockholmed & prone to eroticising attention from our captor. I sincerely don’t know that what I crave IS eros, and not a desperate feeling of  wanting to feel alive in SOME form.


I’ll now come to the dreaded task of slaying the sacred cow:

of taking males out of the equation….

Well, it’s certainly a least worst option. If sexuality absolutely must exist> we should all be in merry sacred cow congress – either with ourselves or other females.

But MUST it exist? Is it worth it? In it’s absolute best form, it still swallows up sensuality with croc jaws & doesn’t allow the non-sexual form to exist;

it still follows a pattern of hormonal drugging ( the honeymoon stage is all about getting u knocked up quickly > to escape extra male rapey violence in estrus; & those hormones still perform their programming between women -by default)

it irritates genitalia

& most bitterly & heart-breakingly of all …

…it divides us Like. Crazy. I wanna weep everytime the non|Sapphic divide comes up & determines our whole lives & our feminism in separate camps. I wanna scream: “They’re just genitals with rich nerve endings, people! Rub them like a genie lamp & get on with life & our liberation! Or just get on anti-depressants for the sexless affect ( those things’re useless for everything else)”

For as long as this sorry mess continues:

!) The bulk of women & girls shall remain in the state of acute touch & affection deprivation from each other  – since it’s all been deemed erotic in recent times


“Being someone who thinks heterosexuality in women is a sign of insanity in patrirachy, the whole thing is a sad commentary on women’s servitude to PIV.

^ this is a comment by Sheila G from Femonade.


Whistle as u read, and Take a thought experiment with me:

***what IF we accorded the same social importance to….

toileting? I mean: there are some pleasurable poos out there,…



I’ve wondered in my previous post# as to where the line lies? At what point does  sensual become  sexual?

Well, it’s the hormones that determine that. Whatever stimulation u give to urself in the middle of a hormonal peak = ‘ll just feel like fun massage outside of it. That’s exactly what going solo felt like to me as a child. It had zero sexual context because the hormones weren’t present.  in fact: i don’t remember how i discovered it. but it’s highly likely that stress +chronic illness led to it.

We’ve been indoctrinated into the male experience of it because males’re always hormonal. They don’t fluctuate like we do. They don’t switch off @ menopause. This is why PIv’s redundant & painful after menopause – no hormones to drive the mating\rape adaptation response. +sexual urges overall

Lubrication is 100% rape adaptive: It happens to save ur internal organs @ inevitable forced mating. Arousal > produces lubrication. ALso – ever noticed that fear feels an  awful lot like  arousal?  Both start in the pit of ur stomach. Both’re terrifically stressful. In fact, the rollercoaster analogy applies to both aptly: “Terror> swearing u;ll never do it again> flood of feel-good hormones> yay, I’ll go again!> unpleasant come-down ”


Unfinished art references

Onegin: “End this torment.

Dead to Me: Go watch this show. It’s the gift I never dreamt Netflix shall deliver & wrap – a platonic female life-partnership|love plot, which follows traditional romance lines, but never, Ever (!!) veers into a smidgeon of sex.

_I also deem that 1-on -1 partnerships’re very much designed to be claustrophobic ^# which the series does address.

yellow dead end sign during day time
Photo by Pixabay on


CRE wrote about men deliberately making XX-possessors sick enough to ‘want’ males. <

…but it’s a tricky balance ; ‘ cos we can’t be made too sick.  when you’re as incapacitated ( for performing MANdated life tasks) as i’ve been for most of my existence & hence autistic , something really bonzer happens:

{still working on this…