dead to me

*bear with me, dear readers; for if i don’t get the draft version of this post out > it’ll be the end of me. Seriously: I’m DONE agonising over it.

I’ll further fill it it out with the art references. but so far, simply tell me:

AM i carrying a point across as to ^why all sexuality _ is a negative force?^





In the middle of writing this – I came to a nuclear realisation :

chi  = is not hoodoo-woodoo hippie BS. We really must be balanced to be content!

All these overwhelming, needy cravings that we develop ( for erotics; touch; grand unconditional love as solving everything; consumerism) are there…..

because this mental world makes us unbalanced, feeling like shit & therefore craving too much of just 1 puzzle piece, when  feeling good only works when the puzzle pieces fit together!!!!!!

This is where addiction comes from !^^^^^^^^^^^^^Whoa!! slapping myself on head here………………………………!


…..which leads me onto this craving~ because i’m just so impossibly tired of people not seeing thru  why    getting ur jollies   is elevated stupidly high &in a complete undeserved way to serve men’s purpose. I’m puritannically & emphatically over  (what I term) vulvae-gazing; .. going on in ALL fractions of Womens’ LiB.

Sex, without exception, is at the core of all our oppression_down to genetic level. The 2nd Wave became split (by male manipulation )along the false line of Sex = Loyalty=Life Satisfaction. When in reality: female ‘sexuality’ varies only along the spectrum of its’ evolved adaptation to rape <<stemming back to our ape ancestors’ + response to Pavlovian conditioning. Femonade was dead on about this:


“Women need to be liberated FROM sex – not BY it”







Alas: Males handed down the diktat – that it is not to BE.

Notice how there’re no parades for Spinsters? No same-sex platonic marriage? Sex-less sensuality?? No coming-out ceremony for being an anti-natalist-man-hater-hell_bent on female solidarity_ affection_and_ destruction_of nuclear_family (aka Prude)???

#Asexuality only became *grudgingly* accepted about 3 mins ago. There’s all of 1(!) recorded case of female friends as co-parents, – in Britain



I really dig this stance:


And here’s a fine piece of body horror:

For i sincerely don’t believe  sexuality  to be a positive force. Ain’t nothing but a bunch of reproductive hormones  holding us hostage – on a male-bred schedule. There is a reason why they used to be called base urges

And they definitely are that – because they operate while we’re fertile , and sometimes spike up in 2nd trimester. For the vast duration of female-kind’s existence we weren’t horny @ all – as we were perpetually knocked up , or breast-feeding. Many of our kind still are. Childbirth destroys whichever nerve endings we ever possess internally & can produce external damage too. In some mothers, libido switches off entirely after reproducing __ as it’s now fulfilled it’s purpose.

Personally : I detest existing a highly sexed being. I get hit by these dreaded hormones twice in my cycle * like clockwork* and inevitably end up doing, reading  & watching things I don’t want to be doing, reading  & watching !

They waste my time; they waste my energy; they waste my $, exec. function, icky factor +nerves I can ill -afford this in my state, but they were still a problem when I was healthier.

I’ve led a life skirting asexuality, so that’s avoided a solid 97.7 % of the harm doled out on our brethren via Sexy Sex, i reckon. But the rest’s been bad enough.

Because all that partnered genital contact – gap’s been filled by :

wondering why on earth i can’t climax like a normal woman (mechanics’re there , explosive pleasure – not so much…))





formerly continuously performing a taboo I won’t confess to on _ on my grave ( it didn’t harm anyone..)

being pushed into limited male contact_ i absolutely hated @ some point

figuring out what the hell am sexually (cause aspies have funny sexualities, apparently _ hetero programmin’ never clicked}


inducing irritation, soreness & minor bleeding ( enough to freak me out]

social embarassment over not fulfilling my role as a prodding hole for males & the modesty trap

& last, but not least,

reading some terrible writing!….L-)

acquiring perverse & useless devices

body OCD & femmy self-punishment over having it + resentment

acute anxiety

longing jealousy for all those lucky sex-getters

lowering of standards

feeling like a male-possession overtakes me during PMS hormonal flood

feeling crappy about the whole shebang chemically + mentally

experiencing hormonal coersion : like i’m dragged by the collar & have to let it out to go back to being ME

male celebrity obsessions  <before I slayed the het dragon


chasing down the Philosopher’s Stone of stimulating, non-misogynistic material

^^^^All this I was ought to do< if i simply wanted to sleep & get on with life!!!!


overall, i derived only 2 positive effects from my sex maniac-hormonal make-up:

1)Release warmed my feet & let out intolerable anxiety produced by illness

2)Fantasy served as a distraction during cancer treatment

^^^^^This is exactly my point. That u must be in a state of intolerable discomfort   to undertake such strange activity (involving bits that pass excrement & are awfully sensitive for frequent fiddling)


In the middle of all this I had a blissfull couple of months, when an anti-depressant made me sexless. Freaking wonderful > I tell ya’…

The 1 time I experienced overwhelming desire> it scared me. It was like being drunk & I  really don’t like that feeling.  It was equal parts [pleasurable thrill + cold sweat thrill]^ It also felt sorta cannibalistic …like i wanted to consume the object. Clearly I’m not the only one ~ as vampirism = sexual metaphor. After all : being in heat isn’t a pleasant experience for female animals (think about pleasure resulting from drives contextually. Meaning: that questionable high only exists to let out the tension of the drive}

The reason it felt so intense < stems from us – females living in a fishbowl of pleasure & passion -deprivation + aforementioned unbalance

We live in a world of males sucking JOy & wonder out of everything _ like Dementors. WE’re also badly Stockholmed & prone to eroticising attention from our captor. I sincerely don’t know that what I crave IS eros, and not a desperate feeling of  wanting to feel alive in SOME form.


I’ll now come to the dreaded task of slaying the sacred cow:

of taking males out of the equation….

Well, it’s certainly a least worst option. If sexuality absolutely must exist> we should all be in merry sacred cow congress – either with ourselves or other females.

But MUST it exist? Is it worth it? In it’s absolute best form, it still swallows up sensuality with croc jaws & doesn’t allow the non-sexual form to exist;

it still follows a pattern of hormonal drugging ( the honeymoon stage is all about getting u knocked up quickly > to escape extra male rapey violence in estrus; & those hormones still perform their programming between women -by default)

it irritates genitalia

& most bitterly & heart-breakingly of all …

…it divides us Like. Crazy. I wanna weep everytime the non|Sapphic divide comes up & determines our whole lives & our feminism in separate camps. I wanna scream: “They’re just genitals with rich nerve endings, people! Rub them like a genie lamp & get on with life & our liberation! Or just get on anti-depressants for the sexless affect ( those things’re useless for everything else)”

For as long as this sorry mess continues:

!) The bulk of women & girls shall remain in the state of acute touch & affection deprivation from each other  – since it’s all been deemed erotic in recent times



Whistle as u read, and Take a thought experiment with me:

***what IF we accorded the same social importance to….

toileting? I mean: there are some pleasurable poos out there,…



I’ve wondered in my previous post# as to where the line lies? At what point does  sensual become  sexual?

Well, it’s the hormones that determine that. Whatever stimulation u give to urself in the middle of a hormonal peak = ‘ll just feel like fun massage outside of it. That’s exactly what going solo felt like to me as a child. It had zero sexual context because the hormones weren’t present.  in fact: i don’t remember how i discovered it. but it’s highly likely that stress +chronic illness led to it.

We’ve been indoctrinated into the male experience of it because males’re always hormonal. They don’t fluctuate like we do. They don’t switch off @ menopause. This is why PIv’s redundant & painful after menopause – no hormones to drive the mating\rape adaptation response. +sexual urges overall

Lubrication is 100% rape adaptive: It happens to save ur internal organs @ inevitable forced mating. Arousal > produces lubrication. ALso – ever noticed that fear feels an  awful lot like  arousal?  Both start in the pit of ur stomach. Both’re terrifically stressful. In fact, the rollercoaster analogy applies to both aptly: “Terror> swearing u;ll never do it again> flood of feel-good hormones> yay, I’ll go again!> unpleasant come-down ”


Unfinished art references

Onegin: “End this torment.

Dead to Me: Go watch this show. It’s the gift I never dreamt Netflix shall deliver & wrap – a platonic female life-partnership|love plot, which follows traditional romance lines, but never, Ever (!!) veers into a smidgeon of sex.

_I also deem that 1-on -1 partnerships’re very much designed to be claustrophobic ^# which the series does address.

yellow dead end sign during day time
Photo by Pixabay on


CRE wrote about men deliberately making XX-possessors sick enough to ‘want’ males. <

…but it’s a tricky balance ; ‘ cos we can’t be made too sick.  when you’re as incapacitated ( for performing MANdated life tasks) as i’ve been for most of my existence & hence autistic , something really bonzer happens:

{still working on this…










Womens’ art & womens’souls

In my other unfinished post on the subject, I never found the wordst to describe a female artistic spirit. So i’ll just let u experience it for urselves. This is the finest song of the most creative indie artist there is.: Her name’s Regina Spektor & her output is the closest i’ve seen to what womyn could produce (if only we were free). Both lyrically & musically – she’s one of a kind. Sing along to it with heart  – the song ‘ll pick u up & whirl u like a dervish. And u’ll feel release after.

As a piano kid, I grew up listening to classical music constantly, and yet —– i’m not a fan of it.!.! It was complex- yes, and far more passionate than any pop song. But Still – – it LACKED something.; I only now realise that what it lacked – is LIFE, because it was all written by men.Regina’s song above Oozes with life. /\It drips over the cone of musical format like an ice-cream.

“The curious case of Amy-Sherman Palladino”

^ A thoroughly unfeminist, but so patently Female-creative a TV show-runner. She produced 2 run-away hits :

*the current Amazon darling ‘Marvellous Mrs. Maisel’


everyone’s favourite teen pregnancy fantasy  *Gilmore girls

Her work has this …..quirk [as malestream’d call it], or playfullness & appreciation of life’s minutia as interesting in itself. It’s also theatrical – but not static/ Mrs. Maisel executes an impossible, high-wire act of a tone, which no man could ever pull off. The only 1 half-way success was Desperate Housewives.

There’s a scene in ‘Mrs.’ ;,

where she tags along to a art show with her bf and wanders off into a small room behind the grand wankery of male-worship display (aKa Modern Art]. There she sees an indifferent, accented lady knitting & having her own small canvases displayed. The artist sells her 1 painting for a fraction of the big, soul-less mens’ ones being fawned over, and makes no fuss over it. Mrs. explains her purchase as:

“There was LiFe in this drab room. There was none in the main shiny exhibition’

^this here is the reason why classical music feels meh”’. It’s a well-crafted result of men’s approach to old-school art:

#Study the technique; add up the pieces; P lay it like a clock mechanism.


It comes out Sounding like a grandfather clock – chimes complex pattern, but it simply doesn’t FLOW. These days they dont’ bother with the craftsmanship > so it ends up more like vacuum cleaner noise.

Frida Kahlo

^^^the only known (to me) celebrated artwork depicting the bloodbath thanks to which we’re all ALIVE!..! All her work is visceral & riveting. It takes mens’ post-modern style &~ infuses it life,death, blood & realistic pain.

Crazy Ex-gf

i dare u to find another TV series like it. U wouldn’t think that a comedy musical is much of a break-thru, but both it’s protagonist & the style have a spontaneity, gaiety, merriment that a woman’s light hand produces, when that woman is given some room to breathe.

It. FloWS… ~~

Cultures = male BS rules

‘Nugh said.

We females do not create such static rituals & timetables, where a certain activity must be performed the same way every year


5 times a day


written down in a big fat book, by some stupid, stupid man & adhered to for the next millenia + 1/2.

Cultural sensitivity= men not stomping on other mens’ ways of controlling women in order to cut down on violence…..between men.

WOmen & girls do not  possess  any cultures. I’m not entirely sure whether we’d ever create 1 or a dozen of them  – because they only divide us  & create false bonds with men sharing ours/

For instance: Language & literacy divide us far too much. Even with English being the lingua franca gobbling up world tongues like a python~>] there’re disappointingly few female minds I’ll ever reach by posting in here.

I could utilise my other 2 major European languages (Spanish & Rus) to broaden the readability to a few more mil. ( and i’ve been certainly considering it).,..

…but it still won’t reach vast no’s of clever, but illiterate girls worldwide; or speaking non-European tongues .

This leads to me to bemoan the absolute travesty ~`~that is the English language. Let’s 1st consider its’ most hideous offence:

Man = Human….

Out of the 4 that I learnt – only the Anglo one  felt like WORK to study.   It felt dead,  unelastic, spelt with a stupidity beyond belief. In other words: It is the perfect MAN’s language. There is no joy or hope in it. Lovely, lovely [beloved by women] doggies ”re called a ‘man’s friend’!

The proverbs are all   about men, men,..It is female -exclusionary (ha! a radfem can utilise such a fun-fem word!..) & thought-limiting.

In fact – it’s downright depressing.  And I mean this literally – – -Because a language forms neuro-pathways in your head -= this is why speaking multiples staves off senility.

And this is a scary thought for me: that all mono-lingual Anglo-phone female heads lack all those extra pathways which stimulate my own radical thinking. Kudos to the radfems who manage to overcome that – but it must be WORK.

Not saying that any existing language is female-friendly, but English feels like a withered stump that should be put out of it’s misery.

. There’s solid historic reason for it ending up this way: the raving mad British dominion > followed by the raving mad American dominion. The more powerful an empire gets ^ the more male a tongue becomes.

Soviets made attempts @ ravaging Russian by introducing a whole heap of abbreviations —but they simply didn’t have the time to destroy it the way English’s been drained of any sign of life. In fact : every time I make a sentence in it>

I feel like I’m performing CPR. Hence all the weird punctuation  & cute photos .

In short

English is the chosen language of end times (* see “It never happens any other way”)

and it’s super-appropriate

English lacks a polite ‘you’> which makes the formation of requests in it : an exercise in scraping & bowing – to compensate for the ‘you’ rudeness. every time I do it: a piece of dignity dies.

I’m fed up to the gills of it. I propose bringing back the old-fashioned phrase:”Why don’t u?” AS in: “Bring me that lamp, why don’t u?”


Normie womyn are paying for our sins

The sin in question?

Not being male support & reproductive systems .

There’re 66 mil. more men than women in the world. Because they’ve been murdering us aplenty.

& every man is entitled to at least 1 female.

That makes each one of us a frighteningly precious resource for them to scramble over. This scramble is one rooted in their very survival as they’re inherent biological parasites living off our X chromosomes.

So when the lucky elite comprising of lesbians; hetero-non-compliants (aka Spinsters); non-mothers of boys & PIV escapees,  experience pride @ our situation—–

we should remind ourselves that the bulk of those other male -tethered & producing females                                                   are paying for it.

Right now there is 1 + trafficked girls out there servicing a mans’ dick for each 1 of us & mothers writhing in the unearthly torture of childbirth (for which man’s language has no name) & worshipping a male god who hates them

because WE SAID NO & had the opportunity to choose

It’s sobering maths. Because when a critical mass of us says NO>~all hell breaks loose, (witchhunts; all womens’ communities in history coming to a violent or other male-tactical end; end of communist benefits facilitating female singledom)

^This is why the adage applies

NO woman is free until ALL women are free

This isn’t a feel-good sisterhood chant. It’s mathematics

Trust your disgust

PIV has been taken down by radfems in every other angle ….

save for the most obvious one:

Male genitalia is the single ugliest, grossest object in existence. What comes out of it is also hideous – in both an aesthetic & chemical way.

The only humans, who actually exalt it ,  —are gay men.

Not womyn of any persuasion! None! In fact – we naturally shrink away from image & discussion of it. ( well, at least I always did ). It’s high on the list for me having been such a failed hetero. i couldn’t even manage to deal with a semi-realistic sex toy. (yet i had no trouble with a cute bow-tied penguin shape!)

Because there is GOOD Reason as to why it repulses us so. It’s the same reason as to why snakes, spiders, off-food, feces & slimy substances do.


Shutting down this disgust lies @ the bottom of the well

underneath the pain, humilitation, invasion, contraception, reproduction, injustice, inorgasmia, entitlement, abortion, the screwability mandate, latex allergy, “other things” that can still knock you up without penile insertion, virginity cult.

^^^this here is why I’m such a strong proponent of hetero-sexuality being abjectly unnatural. Because no living being is attracted to her own death & suffering, while her very important emotion of


steers her loud & clear away from it


Touch is all we need

The male world’s turned our senses inside out.

Contrary to popular (read dude-imposed) perception, vision is NOT our strongest or most evocative sense. I highly doubt that hearing is , either. I mean: that’s why we have dogs} to serve as our fluffy hearing aid. Now that the assault of industrial noise & speech causes cumulative hearing loss past 50 y.o (the process begins @10) ] –           it’s Deeeeefinitely out of the running.

The other day I was passing my hand over a cosy, circular, rattan table and had the urge to……massage my hands over it. its’ texture is Goldilocks :

the right combo of smooth & stimulating ridges. it also led me to think that womens’ hands almost certainly constructed this object to be pleasant like this, as weaving has been a universally female pursuit since forever.

Ever since I went radical —– I recovered ALL of my senses mentally & physically. Touch& smell , however, have led the pack. The latter turns out to be a problem more often than not, as males love dousing themselves in absolutely suffocating perfume [which feels more like chemical weaponry than personal care]

I’ve been tormented by touch deprivation since the age of 8, and most acutely – since my migration to anglo-sphere 4 years later {(in)famous for being touch -frigid}. it’s specifically female + animal touch-feeliness which I crave, so dude-coupledom for that goal was never an object for me already before the onset of acute man-hating.And since then the desire to cuddle palatable creatures has become overwhelming.

Not that I came from a very touchy-feely place {nowhere near Spanish-speaking regions]}. but it certainly wasn’t at the frosty, completely phobic level things ‘re at here. After 17 years of this – I feel like I live in a POW camp. Apparently , the clinical term for it = “skin hunger”.      oh, spare me,,,,,:_(

And that’s not an exaggeration. All female people’re POWs of men’s eternal war on us. It’s not an accident that sight & hearing’ve been made into the only useful senses & that they’re assaulted daily by Mary Daly-coined foreground waste.

^how they Suffer as a result: . : Short-sight is an epidemic thanks to the onslaught of screens,. sreens,.. screens!! In fact, I’m struggling with it as I type this .,. as I ‘ve no clue where my glasses are. I’ve blown up my screen to Grandpa level.H

Hearing loss is now so common that it’s normalised as happenning in middle age, but guess what people….?

It ain’t normal. ~  It is  entirely  a product of industrial noise _ &high population density.                           ***MAN”S noise & Man’s rape products.




the Others

Spoiling the only 2 memorable movies I ever saw Nicole Kidman + Scarlett Johansson in

..for a good cause , I promise!


The films in question, just about summarise female existence in the world to me:

  1. The Others
  2. Girl with Pearl Earring


The 1st is a simple ghost story with a twist

…where the protagonist mum & children turn out to be the ghosts haunting the house they’re convinced they LIVE in.

^ Eponymous of 3.5 + billion of us, who slide thru this world , having no impact on its big * small structures

The former equates ear -piercing to = the grand, nasty intercourse , which forms the fabric of our lives {even for the few of us who manage to live around it}

And it’s Accurate indeed.

  • A young girl’s ear is poked thru to create a hole with a foreign object.
  • It aches &bleeds initially
  • Then another foreign object is inserted into the hole. with the intention of wearing it regularly for life. this objects is shiny, pretty & utterly conceals the ugly process of flesh mutilation
  • The hole must be used frequently enough to avoid the pain experienced @ the outset , from coming back
  • Pre-cautions must be taken to pursue earring wear:                                            New ones must be sanitised; Activities  where the hole can get torn or uncomfortable,   must not be undertaken;


This is either done to  females when they’re too young + powerless to protest


They do it to themselves slightly older, having been convinced that they want it

Continue reading “the Others”