No siree, I’m not anxious-depressed; I have Patriarchal Intolerance Fatigue

It’s the new BPD in town! Really! Let’s call it PIF, shall we?

The latest episode in inducing my PIF is denial of disabled assistance…based on being a hysterical female _ belonging to the class of illnesses such as Fybromyalgia, auto-immune, ME. Even sharing the same diagnosis as many males who DO get support doesn’t help cause I have Lady Autism*

*clearly not as big + important as the male kind, 
which when not catered to, sends its patients a tinsy bit nuts
on the rapey-murdery scale affecting Eurydice Dixons of this world.

You see, having ovaries = I only have a spot of HFA(high-functioning autism). It’s  compounded with crippling female socialization (IE. raised to be an invisible ghost-like servant without a body, mind or need & wants). Certainly not one that become chronically sick and isn’t trained to ask for help for herself.

.,.this results in me being unable to ask for assistance when I topple from my walker in a public space due to unbelievably idiotic design of said space. You know what happens then? First thing I do while struck by intense pain & fear of serious injuries is not to yell for help + swear. Oh no. Gotta be ladylike 1st. So I pull down my skirt!!!!!!!!%$#@! Once I do gently ahoy, I still can’t get the staff to push my walker out to car & fold it up. So I do it myself, quietly screaming & beating myself up for being unable to push the boulder of female ‘niceness’ (oppression) off myself + feeling nauseous from effort *& anger.

Being a woke woman HURTS. sO very bad. It’s like Locked in Syndrome. Now I have  bodily injuries to add to my mental pain, which I acquired from men banging me up without ever laying a finger on me: they don’t always have to, you see – their systems do the job for them. `It’s being sane in insane word & carrying around internal Hannibal Lector suit to prevent you from screaming in pain from that knowledge. I have a ground down tooth with stripped enamel from repressing my rage. Turns out that it’s a common female dental phenomenon.

Cherryblosomlife in the Radfem Hub archives wrote a beautiful last piece Life and death of Virginia Woolf describing this exact phenomenon: of women desperately staving off becoming woke to avoid this misery& burden. So female non-misfits spend their lived “depressed” (harbouring repressed anger) + take it out on us woke misfits. When we explain the reason for their state|they shoot the messenger [you]& go on sticking their heads in the sand while abusing you harder. _________________________

I’m so damn tired of dealing with ostriches drowning in internalized chauvinism AND tired of busting my gut fruitlessly trying to extricate their heads from the sand while they peck me.

Guess what the saddest thing is? It’s that I and other elemental radicals are not naturally depressive people. I know for a fact that I’m not.  This is precisely why I hate living in a depressive world fostered by anti-life beings. It never ceases to amaze me how I still come back like a phoenix from a typical female life of:

abuse

harassment

being used as a punching bag for other womens’ oppression

exploitation

gaslighting (that there’s something wrong with ME and not this utterly bonkers world)

poverty

MAN-made illness

suppression of my talents & smarts

,,.and STILL manage to juice something enjoyable of this half-life. My existence can be summarized as: “This doesn’t add up. Where do I find info that does? OOH, it’s hidden away on the womens’ dark web (elemental radfem blogs). But I’m not supposed to believe those evil man-haters. Well, it’s too late. What to do now?”

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